Some view love as a war that never ends, meaning there is no surrendering to it. Others view it as a battle with love being the outcome of that war. I see it as having to surrender to yourself.
I go through life protecting myself and I become more hesitant about giving my love & trust away, yet I want to love and be loved in return. I want to be completely sure about letting any person into my world because I don't want to get hurt. I stay in a constant battle trying to decide who I should and shouldn't open up to. I may tell you about certain things in my life but most of it is public information.
When it comes to emotions, I make myself numb to it. I feel it's presence but I push them far away. I try very hard not show any kind of emotions or feelings... and when I do, I feel I failed.
I failed myself because I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I failed because I had to face the fact that I am not made of stone.
I failed because I found out I was human... just like everyone else.
Love is when you are the most vulnerable, and surrendering to it is a representation of defeat. To allow someone to see me so exposed is unnerving. Sadly, I refuse to succumb to its ecstasy and that is very disheartening. I love, love.
So it comes down to a war between one's self:
Me vs. Me
Not many people will understand why I am the why that I am. Why I am so hard on myself... Why I can't just allow myself to trust or fall in love, but for you to truly grasp this... you have to know a major part of my past that has changed who I am; physically, emotionally & mentally.
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