"The heart has it's reasons, whereof reason knows nothing." - Thomas Moore

Some view love as a war that never ends, meaning there is no surrendering to it.  Others view it as a battle with love being the outcome of that war.  I see it as having to surrender to yourself.
I go through life protecting myself and I become more hesitant about giving my love & trust away, yet I want to love and be loved in return. I want to be completely sure about letting any person into my world because I don't want to get hurt. I stay in a constant battle trying to decide who I should and shouldn't open up to. I may tell you about certain things in my life but most of it is public information.

When it comes to emotions, I make myself numb to it. I feel it's presence but I push them far away. I try very hard not show any kind of emotions or feelings... and when I do, I feel I failed.

I failed myself because I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I failed because I had to face the fact that I am not made of stone.

I failed because I found out I was human... just like everyone else.

Love is when you are the most vulnerable, and surrendering to it is a representation of defeat. To allow someone to see me so exposed is unnerving.  Sadly, I refuse to succumb to its ecstasy and that is very disheartening. I love, love.

So it comes down to a war between one's self:

Me vs. Me

Not many people will understand why I am the why that I am. Why I am so hard on myself... Why I can't just allow myself to trust or fall in love, but for you to truly grasp this... you have to know a major part of my past that has changed who I am; physically, emotionally & mentally.

"Character is the sum and total of a person's choices." - P. B. Fitzwater

People ask what I look for in a guy. Here's my 'list'. I think it's really everyones 'list' but I could be wrong... I normally am.

- Honesty. Yeah, girls say that... I mean it. When a guy tells me the truth even if it's going to hurt, I feel like he really has no reason to lie to me about anything. I respect that.

- Sense of humor. I joke around a lot and I'm very sarcastic. I want a guy that will understand my jokes and humor and can give it out as well.

- Loyal & faithful. Being loyal is staying true to your word, being faithful is not cheating on your significant other. Both are of utmost importance. Although I do understand things happen where you're unable to keep your promises but you've got to keep them more than you break them. Being faithful... you just have to be 100% on that one.

- Chivalrous. I'm not saying he has to be that way ALL the time but once in awhile is nice.

- Intelligence. This is a must. I can't be with someone who won't be able to stimulate me mentally. I've been with guys that looked great on my arm but just not all there in the head. It's frustrating. I'm not saying you have to have an IQ of Mensa status but at least try to have an interesting conversation with me.

- Common sense. Kind of goes along with intelligence but it's not very surprising for me anymore to meet someone who is smart but is a bit ditzy. I know I'm ditzy at times but I at least have a small ounce of common sense.

- Humble. It's great to be proud of your achievements and I will praise you for everything you accomplished but just don't be cocky about it.

- Don't take yourself too seriously. Chill out. Relax. Act like a kid sometimes... well, not the temper tantrums, just being able to run around and have fun!

- Don't speak to me in ebonics. I speak English. I don't understand nor will I ever want to understand what you are trying to say to me.

...

I can't think anymore. But I think these are the most sought after and desirable traits for ANYONE to have. Sadly, many people don't.

My motto is, "Treat me how you want to be treated."If you treat me well, I'll more than likely treat you better.

"The age of chivalry is gone." - Edmund Burke

Many people say chivalry is dead... but chivalry is just common courtesy. It's a set of ideals and duties that have changed throughout the Middle Ages to meet new socio-economic realities. But it's primary virtues were:

- Mercy
- Honor
- Sacrifice
- Faithfulness
- Courage
- Utmost graciousness & courtesy to ladies

If people say it's dead... it's a little scary. That means they have no mercy for anyone, no honor for anything, are unwilling to sacrifice anything in their life, no faithfulness towards anyone, they are calling themselves a coward, and apparently treat women like crap.

I know when people say "chivalry", in todays time, it is interpreted as courteous behavior, especially by men, towards women. It's the romance of it all. But if people still value any of those other characteristics... why should you get rid of being courteous to women? That isn't difficult is it... to treat someone properly?

OK, call us crazy but women like getting things out of no where.  Who doesn't?  It doesn't need to be a dozen roses or a diamond necklace, although those things are nice and greatly appreciated, but it's just something that made you think of her.  Even the most independent woman loves a man who will send her flowers for no reason, leave her love notes, and even just holding the door open for her. (I'm quite sure she will do it for you)

Maybe it's the fact that I grew up seeing all of this firsthand from my family.  The male figures in my life have spoiled it for the rest I suppose.  My Dad always bought me Valentine flowers until I started receiving them from boys.  My oldest brother, to this day, still opens all doors & insists on paying for me.  He used to just give me money out of no where and tell me to go shopping.  I never asked for it.  My 2nd oldest brother opens the door for me on occasion but would buy me flowers every so often... just because.  I've never asked nor expected them to do any of that, nor do I expect them to do it still... but they do.

And I'm not saying chivalry is about material things or possessions, but that was the only thing I was able to think of right now and put as an example.

To be treated respectfully is something I think should always be in a relationship... from BOTH partners.

Some may call me high maintenance, but I know I am far from.  Like I said, it's not that I expect this kind of treatment, but I think it would be nice to be with someone who liked being that kind of person.  I know I'm like that... why wouldn't I want someone the same?

"The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents." - Charles DeLint

Many people ask me why I don't have any kids.

I didn't think it was such a bad thing that I was in my 20's without a child. I thought I did a good job seeing that nowadays there are 12 year olds having children.  I figured I would be commended for not having any yet.

But it doesn't seem to fail when people ask if I have any kids and I reply, "No", they look at me a little shocked and say, "Really? Why not?"

Umm... because...

I don't want that responsibility yet. I'm not sure if I want that responsibility at all. I've always loved kids. I love kids so much that I when I was younger I wanted to have about a dozen kids (literally) or more. Then I settled on the idea of 3 because that's how my family is made up.  2 older brothers and then myself.  I was even going to make my profession as a pediatrician.

But I am a selfish person with my time. I'm not a selfish person with anything else, but when it comes to me I want to be able to just get up and go. I don't like the idea of having to wonder, who's going to babysit?, What do I have to pack in the diaper bag?, Are there enough diapers for the night?, Where the hell is the formula?

And EVERYONE that has children, have all told me the same thing, "When you have kids, you stop being selfish and it's all about them."

Well, DUH. I know I'd stop being selfish and stop caring about myself, the problem is I don't WANT to. I want to go out and have fun. I want to be crazy and silly and not worry about anyone else but myself or my boyfriend/fiance/husband. And before you get the wrong idea, it's a completely different story to care about a significant other than to care about a baby. The significant other is there to do things with... not for.

It's great for everyone that wants children, but why do you act so surprised when a 23 year old isn't sure if she wants any kids? It's not like I have to have kids before I'm 30. There isn't a time or an age limit on producing offspring.  I know it's harder as you get older but if I don't have any kids... then I don't have any biological ones. I can always adopt.

And it's not that I don't have patience. I have a lot of patience with children. I just don't WANT to have it yet.... at least for my own. Other kids cry and I can just hand them back to the parents.

I don't want to worry about having to take a child to the doctor.  When I'm sick, if I don't want to go to the doctor I'm not going to go. If a baby is sick, I'm obliged to take them. I have to take care of someone else in their entirety. I have to make sure they eat, are clothed, bathed, I'm stimulating their mind, teaching them good manners, and as they grow up good ethics etc. It's just a lot that I don't want to deal with right now.

I've been in the situation to take care of a child as your own... I know what it's like.  So my views on children are not based on my naiveness.  It's based on first hand experience as a 17 year old.

My best friend Jennifer had a baby when she was 17 and still in high school. I stuck it out with her. I was ALWAYS there for her. She will admit it to you herself, I helped raise her daughter. I was around her and her daughter every single day and it got to the point when her daughter would call me "dada".  It was funny when we'd go out in public and her daughter would cry and reach for me and say, "I want dada!" I'm almost positive people at the mall & restaurants thought Jennifer and I were lovers.  I would babysit her daughter whenever I was off from work or didn't have class to go to.  I've been through it all with them... 1st steps, word, sentence, giggle, vaccination, illness... 1st everything! She was like my daughter. 

And it wasn't a bad experience... I enjoyed many moments.  At 17 though, realistically, it sucked. As a teenager, you want to be wild & crazy and irresponsible... but you can't be that way when you have a child.  And then to have the weekend pass you by while you stayed at home only because you couldn't find a babysitter... well, it was a little depressing.

So call me what you will because I wasn't like a lot of people. You know, the ones that have 8 kids by the age of 20.  I will happily admit I am selfish with my time and I love the fact that I can just leave and worry only about myself.  I'm happy to take my time with life.  If you think I'm missing out on one of the joyous gifts women can have.... well I'm not.

Many people have asked me, what if I never get to experience having a baby, shouldn't I at least have one?

No, I shouldn't. Life isn't a race. I'm not going to throw myself into something THAT life changing because I want to experience it before I die.  I plan on taking my time and ENJOYING my life as much as I can for now.... without a child. 

Taking care of myself is enough for me right now.... and that makes me happy.