I had never really been in a long term relationship, with the exception of one person. All of my relationships were short, lasting no longer than 3 months. Not because I didn't want one, but because when it got to a certain point, I was already bored and just moved on. I never let myself experience any real emotions. The times I was getting close, I held back and broke things off with guys.
The harder I held back the more it became apparent that I wanted someone to get me. "Get me" in all aspects. Understanding who I am, how I thought, and accepting me for me, etc. I didn't hold back because I wanted to play games, I just didn't know how to handle anything. Very few guys did try to stick around… I can count all of them on one hand.
Guy #1 was actually my puppy love. One of the many life lessons that I learned was not to judge people. He ended up being someone completely different than what I thought he was. After close to a year he broke up with me. I held back from him... I eventually gave in... and in the end, I was heart broken. That was the situation I had been trying to avoid, but lesson learned. You can't stop heartache from happening. Que sera sera.
Guy #2… well, I don’t classify him as a boyfriend. We 'dated' for awhile but after I called it off he still tried his hardest to pursue me. Although I didn't like him, he really tried to stick around.
Guy #3. I admit, I fell pretty fast & hard with him. I tried so hard not to show him how I felt, but I failed miserably. He worked his ass off to try to gain my trust and I put him through a lot of unnecessary arguing... you tend to blame a new love for things an old one did. But I was young, stupid and oblivious to many things when it came to love. After a few years he eventually broke up with me and I don't blame him for it.
I was heart-broken, but it was definitely for the better because I learned so much after it ended. I saw the type of person I was and I didn't like it. I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but (at the time) I couldn't change no matter how much I tried.
Needless to say, I realized later on that I wasn't really protecting myself by putting up walls and breaking off relationships so soon. I was hurting myself more by not allowing anyone to get close to me. I've become so guarded with myself that it's taken years for me to slightly untangle this web I've created in my mind. It's still a work in progress but I've learned a lot, I've changed a lot, and I've grown up in my way of thinking.
For guys to know me before I even know myself; for those who are willing to stick around through tough times, I am ever so grateful.
For guys to know me before I even know myself; for those who are willing to stick around through tough times, I am ever so grateful.
